Sermon

When our Summer coordinators set up the topics for our programs, they were guided by the Gallop poll that indicated the three most important things that people want to hear about at church are developing their spirituality, Interpersonal skills and helping others.

Our June sermons addressed spirituality.

In July, we will focus on relationships.

Some people regard this as a simple matter of social communication.

Yet, at their highest levels, good relationships are the foundation for and the culmination of genuine spirituality.

Some view spirituality as only a personal relationship with God, or the Source of all Being. They go off to the mountaintop, the wilderness, or the monastery, to pray and contemplate.

We in the west have been more influenced by Jesus, who said that we should love God, and our neighbors as ourselves.

That directs us to three loving relationships - With God or the universe, with our neighbors and with our selves.

In America, we have just celebrated Independence Day on July 4^th.

Here we have a pride in our history of independence and individuality.

But at times we have embraced these traits to such an extent that we have become isolated and alienated.

So today I want to stress the need for an Interdependence Day, a day when we celebrate the joy of connecting, through listening.

The topic assigned to me was how to listen effectively. Effective listening is good.

The word “effective” stresses the actual production of, or the power to produce, a decided or desired effect.

But I believe it is just as important to listen affectively.

The word “affective” refers to feelings or emotions.

I would suggest that when you concentrate on listening effectively you are probably more interested in getting your own desired results.

When you listen affectively, you are providing an environment in which others can freely express themselves in a non-judgmental atmosphere of safety and friendship.

How often do we express or hear some of the following statements?

You never listen to me!

You don’t even hear the sound I make!

We just don’t communicate.

Hello – I’m another person in the room.

Is anybody out there? Am I all alone here?

Every day we see people with severe feelings of alienation, rejection, loneliness – surrounded by other people who are all wrapped up in themselves, in their own self-absorbed cocoons.

I remember attending a party of the Jet set crowd in Paris – Duke and Duchess of Windsor, Liza Minnelli, Donovan, Brigitte Bardot – They were all posing, hardly any of them listened to the other. I commented to my husband, “Nobody here is making connection with anyone else. They are like puppets, putting on a show, and then they will go back home to their boxes.” It was a weird experience.

So what do we do?

We pray to God or see a psychotherapist – Maybe He/Maybe She will listen to me. Please take care of me. Please help me. Please listen to me!

Listening

One of our most basic human needs is to be understood and accepted.

Listening is one of the important ways that we give nurture to another person. When we nurture each other, we both can grow and develop.

Even plants grow better when they are touched and cared for affectionately.

In the City of Angels movie, the angel Nicolas Cage just looks lovingly at Meg Ryan. She later asks her fiancée to “Look at me”. He is confused, looks at her briefly and then wants to go. She says, “Really look at me.”

How often are we so busy doing things that we don’t actually see each other, or listen to each other?

What message is the other person receiving from you when he speaks to you?

You are there, but your mind is elsewhere

You are there, but you are impatiently waiting to speak

You are jumping to conclusions without hearing everything

You are judging and criticizing him with your expressions

You are looking over her shoulder to see someone more important

You are impatient and want to leave

Being There, Listening - requires Mindful Presence –Focus of Attention

Be where you are! Appreciate the moment, the Here and the Now.

Be with the person you are with. Enjoy those present!

When you enter a room, appreciate the ones who are there.

Don’t make a big fuss about the ones who aren’t there – especially with children. They think you care more about the one who is absent than about them.

Listening is more than hearing.

Hearing involves registering the sound waves that strike our eardrums and the subsequent transmission to the brain. But, we don’t only listen with our Ears.

Listening is when we activate ourselves totally by paying attention

So how do we really absorb the totality of a message?

There are various forms of listening.

We must listen with our Senses, our Minds, our Hearts, and our Souls.

Listen with our Senses -

We collect multiple forms of sensory data by being receptive and alert

Our ears hear the sound waves

Our touch feels the tension, the sweaty palms, or the caressing hands

Our noses smell the fear or anxiety, or detect pheromones of love

Our eyes see the expressions and body movement

Body Language

It’s important to use your Eyes in listening. And to make contact with their eyes. See what people are doing with their bodies, their mouths, their eyes, their hands. What is their attitude? What is their mood? What is their emotional state?

Some people say that only 10% of our communication is done with words.

30% is done with other sounds, and 60% is done through Body Language.

This is why it is so much better to talk in person.

Whenever possible, use the phone to make an appointment to meet in person.

Listen with our minds – Knowledge

This is the Age of Reason kind of listening. The Effective Listening.

We Filter and select the incoming information

We Process the data - Organize, identify, classify, analyze

We React by gathering more information

Listen with your heart – Feeling

This is the Age of Romance kind of listening. The Affective Listening

You use emotional sensitivity to the Other

You discover the motivation and intent

You translate what has been said into underlying emotions

You react with Compassion and Empathy

Listen with your Spirit or Soul – Intuition, Understanding

This is the Soul Mate kind of listening.

What’s it all about? What’s the big picture here?

What’s the meaning and purpose?

You find the significance of your relationship

You thrill over the opportunity for mutual growth

You experience an oceanic feeling of connection or communion

You deeply recognize the Other as a part of the Divine

You experience a reverent sense of the sacred

Usually we listen to others based upon our own life history and worldviews.

When we get to know others better, we can learn to filter their messages using knowledge of their life experiences and meanings.

That is when we truly begin to understand!

Multicultural Listening

While traveling in other countries, and living in Pakistan, I realized that you don’t have to speak the language to “listen”

You can observe people’s faces, body language, needs, etc

You don’t need words to show attention, compassion, concern, warmth, affection

Always try to Identify the Speaker’s Language: The inner condition.

There are many languages, and we are not speaking of Chinese or French here.

Language of Fear or Hope

Language of Hate or Love

Language of Anxiety or Trust

Language of Arrogance or Humility

Language of Deceit or Sincerity

Language of Confusion or Clarity

Language of Uncertainty or Confidence

This really matters in our relationships. It also matters when we listen to our leaders and politicians. What are they projecting? What are they feeling inside?

Remember, you don’t have to listen to everyone and everything.

You can refuse to listen to Offensive Comments.

You don’t have to stay in a conversation that is rude, hostile or abusive.

You are not obligated to participate in conversations of character assassination.

You have the right and sometimes the duty to leave.

How do you react to questions?

Many times it is best to answer a question with a question – to get a speaker to express himself more. When people ask a question or ask for advice, they may not really want you to give an answer or advice. They may want you to answer them with a question that permits them to explain themselves more fully, so that they can find their own answers.

Look for the speaker’s intent or motivation.

How do you like my dress? (She does not mean how do you Not like my dress).

She seeks affirmation and confirmation of her own value, not the dress.

She is seeking reassurance.

If you feel uncomfortable with polite white lies, you can learn to be diplomatic. You can use ambiguous adjectives like fantastic, incredible.

Listen with a tender touch.

Listen with a smile, a nod, a gesture – your own body language.

Listen by being a mirror - reflecting back their messages. Listen by restating what has been said, as you understand it. Get more clarification.

Transactional Analysis deals with our roles in communication –.

We operate on various levels, sometimes from our Inner Child, sometimes from the Parent within, and sometimes as an Adult.

So try to understand the speaker’s role, and also your own in any conversation.
Who is talking? Who is listening?

Is it the Inner Child – Playful, spoiled, impulsive, curious, vulnerable, dependent

The Parent – Nurturing, or Scolding. Protective or Authoritarian. Condescending. Or the Adult – Mature, democratic, responsible, respectful attitude

Our listening Filters:

When we listen, we filter the message using our own experience, values and personality types.

American Idol and Listening

Do you often wonder if the judges are listening to the same singers?

They are, only they listen differently, based on their own personality types.

There are four personality types of people there.

They hear and see things with their own perception grids and values.

Part of the success of American Idol is that there is a listener there for all of us. There is someone who sees and hears things the way we do.

1) Intellectual Analytical – Engineers, Accountants, Composers

Randy Jackson– Analytical, thoughtful and technical

He has a vast repertoire of musical knowledge. Compares and contrasts.

That was a little pitchy, the rhythm was off, it reminded me of Whitney Huston.

That was an excellent interpretation. I like the way you made it your own.

2) Social Emotional Person – Human Resource, Social Worker

Paula Abdul – Kind. Often in tears, moving with the music, generous smile

I loved the feeling you expressed. I know you were out of your comfort zone, but I appreciated the way you tried to do something new.

I know how hard it is to be up there. You’re looking absolutely beautiful tonight.

More forgiving of musical errors than Randy.

3) Bulldozer Administrator – CEO’s, Generals, Entrepreneurs

Simon – Blunt, forceful, businessman.

That was very professional, and we could make a recording of that. (Hiring)

Well, I don’t know if you will be with us next week. (Firing)

That was awful. Your dress was terrible, your hairdo is weird.

Personality is important in this business (more than musical competence)

Also Simon gets embarrassed by too much expression of feeling.

4) Have a good time Party Person– Salesmen, party organizers, MC’s

Ryan Seacrest – Polite, well groomed MC

Hey, everybody. Wasn’t that great?

Good job! The audience enjoyed it.

Let’s get on with the show!

Which one are you? Which one is the speaker you are hearing?

Evaluate yourself

Are you easy to talk to – open, receptive, thoughtful

Do you pay attention – or look elsewhere, think of other things

Do you analyze and judge everyone and everything?

Are you so focused on the task, the to-do list, that you forget the person?

Are you concerned with the other person, or just want to do something fun.

Do you try to understand – you don’t have to agree, though

Do you have empathy and compassion when you listen?

Benefits of being a good listener

Listening with our ears, our senses

We can appreciate the sounds and beauty of nature

We can truly absorb the message of Music

We can be uplifted by the laughter and joy of others

Listening with our minds

We can learn new things, gain useful information

We can discover new ideas and ways of seeing the world

We can expand our horizons and understanding

Listening with our hearts

We can develop meaningful relationships with others

We can form loving relationships

We can share feelings, develop empathy and compassion

Listening with our souls

We can expand our connectedness with all that is

We can develop a sense of the sacred

We can experience communion with the Source of our being

Listening to Others is like taking a Trip Outside Yourself

Think of it as a vacation from your own problems, worries and concerns

Think of it as a voyage of discovery, an adventurous experience

Think of it as a loving encounter with a unique person

Think of it as a chance for the intimacy of friendship that enriches our lives

Think of it as your opportunity to be truly connected to life and to love.

May love and peace be upon you!