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INTRODUCTION: While doing research on Unitarian Summer 2005, there was one singular lesson that seemed to stick out: Happiness is mostly attained by people with at least one close relationship and a circle of supporting friends. Let me repeat that:

Happiness is mostly attained by people with at least one close relationship and a circle of supporting friends.

But equally confirming was also this revelation: Most women have more friends than men. Why? According to Rae Andre in her work on loneliness,[2] it starts in childhood. She says women are encouraged from early on to see their world in terms of relationships.

Again, why? Because women subconsciously expect one day to be alone; hence, they invest early in developing friendship-building skills. In other words, women intuitively anticipate that one day they will be by themselves and without even consciously acknowledging it, they began to prepare for it by developing close friendships. At least, that’s what her research has led her to conclude.

But how can that be? Haven’t we been told that, “Women are the weaker sex?” Whoever said that – and I bet it was Pat Robertson, or someone like him – couldn’t have been more wrong. In fact, mortality statistics reveal the exact opposite:

Of the top 15 causes of premature death, men lead in almost all of them. Further, a woman’s life expectancy is more than five years longer than a man’s. The latest statistics are that a man’s life expectancy is 75 and a woman’s 80.

According to Joe Zoske, a health care consultant specializing in men's health and wellness, differences in life expectancy between women and men aren’t related to biology but to “gender conditioning.” What that means is that as children, if we’re female, we’re conditioned to live and think in a way that’s healthier than males are.

Incredibly, little boys are still taught that to become a man, they need to be tough, to control and suppress emotions. In fact, Zoske contends that men are only allowed three emotions:

He calls this the "code of masculinity.” In addition, the competitive nature of men sets us apart from each other. That competitiveness precludes having friendships that are close enough to help us deal with loneliness.

Further, few men are able to disclose their loneliness, much less speak about it. The reasons are that when they do, it is invariably seen as a personal failure by much of society, and often, by the men themselves.

Now I’ve said all of that to say this: Having friends is an important issue no matter what context we’re in – work, religion, university, or recreation. It’s not only something we all want, but it’s something we all need, no matter who we are or what our life situation may be. That is, if we want to live healthy lives, and longer lives.

One of the things that congregations like ours must focus on is for our participants to develop interactive friendships. It was one of the gifts that Dr. Joy Ellen Ryan gave us early on in putting groups together. Good music is important; and the quality of the sermon is important. But ultimately, what is most important for congregations is that you and you and you – that each of us makes friends…that we connect with others. It’s a matter of congregational life and death.

So let me turn now to a book authored by a man who more than 70 years ago recognized the importance of friendships. It was actually written as a supplement to his course in public speaking. The first printing was only 5,000. The demand though was phenomenal. It kept being reprinted until today it has sold more than 15 million copies in an untold number of languages, and is the granddaddy of what we now call “self-help books.”

This past week as a part of my research, I went to Barnes & Noble to see if they had any copies – remember it was first published in 1936! – I found there were eight copies on the shelf in two different editions. I went to the new Regional Library on Gladiolus. The computer confirmed that the system had five copies, but every one of them was checked out. There is still something is at work here. So what is it that Dale Carnegie knew that so resonated with people?

The first thing we need to say is that the title is misleading. It implies manipulation. That is not at all what the book is about. Rather, it is rooted in caring practices! Two of his most famous maxims are right out of contemporary motivational psychology and emotional intelligence, namely, "Believe that you will succeed, and you will," and "Learn to love, respect and enjoy other people."

Before there was such a thing as motivational psychology, Carnegie was convinced that human relations are more understandable than we think. We can learn what causes us to behave the way we do.

Further, his book is a testament to the fact that people skills can be systematically developed. Several of his key principles are basic people skill management. But even more importantly, they are always tied to the proposition that we don't truly influence a person until we like and respect them first.

In a sense, the presupposition of the book is the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For example, one of his most important points is, if you want to have friends:

Sometimes Amanda shares with me some of her teaching experiences in social work at FGCU. One of the things she has done through the years is supervise students in their internships at various social service agencies in the area. Many times that means helping budding young professionals deal with the difficulty of affirming people who have different belief systems or religious practices than they do. These new interns can even be quite self-righteous about what they are going to say, and what they are not going to do.

One of Amanda’s most oft repeated lines, “It ain’t about you, honey!” In other words, when you’re counseling, the client -- the person sitting across from you – her or his needs are paramount.

In the same way, one of the things we have to learn, in order to develop long lasting friendships, is that it “ain’t about us.”

How do we appropriate that insight? The antidote, according to Carnegie, for our natural tendency to be self-centered: “Become genuinely interested in other people.”

Even if others have traits that are deserving of criticism, work at understanding, why they do what they do. That is so difficult! How easy it is to point out the failures of others. But guess what: the finger pointing at others has at least three fingers pointing back at us. As Dr. Skinner states as reprinted in the order of service in the bulletin, praise and affirmation are far more effective than criticism and condemnation when relating to people.

If there is any one thing that each of us needs to work on, it is don’t criticize. Carnegie also suggests:

Have you ever been interacting with someone and you mentioned something that had just happened to you. Before you could hardly get the words out of your mouth, their immediate response was, “Oh, the same thing happened to me,” and off they went telling about themselves and what happened to them, rather than responding to your comment and listening to what you had to say. The feeling you have is, they aren’t interested in you – only themselves.

It’s a critical issue also in small groups. One of the things that can almost destroy group discussion is when one person dominates the conversation to the point of stifling the input of others.

To develop friendships means learning to talk in terms of other people’s interests: their kids, their golf game, their love life, or their health. Don’t worry: If they want to know about yours, they will ask. And if they don’t it’s their loss, and nothing for you to worry about.

Almost everyone likes a smile. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. And it is so affirming and accepting of another person.

I read of a preacher somewhere who challenged his congregation to try something for one month. It was this: Try smiling the entire time the offering is being taken. Smile from beginning to end! He guaranteed that we would feel so much better when the offering was over.

REMEMBER THAT A PERSON’S NAME IS TO THAT PERSON THE MOST IMPORTANT SOUND IN ANY LANGUAGE.

Remembering it takes effort, but he encourages us that in winning friends, it’s very important. When we first meet people, repeat their names immediately at least three times. Tell them something about their names. Try matching it with something about their physical appearance. Remember it’s a very special sound to them and incredibly important. It’s why it’s so important to all of us that we wear name tags to facilitate our knowing each other.

There’s much more that Carnegie has to say. But the question now is, what does it really have to do with us today? How can we apply or benefit from any of its insights? After all, it is a 70-year old book, and it is somewhat dated, although his wife tried to update it in 1981.

After reading his book again last week, I concluded that in today’s parlance, Carnegie was writing about emotional intelligence. In fact, Amanda does emotional intelligence workshops for several state agencies. It’s a very “in thing” in leadership circles.

There are many who say today, that business leaders and outstanding performers are not defined by their IQs or even by their job skills, but by their "emotional intelligence." By that, they mean a set of competencies that distinguishes how people manage feelings, how they interact and how they communicate. There are scores of analyses done worldwide in all kinds of settings that conclude that it is emotional intelligence that is the barometer of excellence on virtually any job. Emotional intelligence includes among other things self-awareness, self-control, initiative and optimism. It describes relationship skills, developing others, conflict management and building bonds.

Carnegie didn’t have the benefit of 70 years of behavioral psychology, but he was a master of it in practice. He encouraged his readers not only to know themselves, but also strive to understand others…to develop their emotional intelligence.

n He emphasized the importance of being able to manage our emotions and how to shake off negative emotions.

n Like most salesmen, he knew the absolute necessity of being able to be self-motivated, of delaying gratification and stifling impulsive urges.

n A huge component in his book is recognizing the emotions, feelings, wants and needs of others.

n And a constant theme is how to get along with people to whom we are responsible or for whom we are responsible.

Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence can keep growing -- it can continue to develop with life experiences.

So on this Labor Day Sunday, which is always a kind of nothing Sunday – it’s neither the end of Summer nor the beginning of Fall, but in limbo, somewhere in between – what do we take away from this service today.

First, as Paul Tillich taught us, deep faith has two dimensions: vertical and horizontal. The vertical is how we feel about Ultimate Reality…that I’m one of billions of others human beings who are connected to all that is…for so long that our minds cannot comprehend it…and in a Universe so massive our vocabulary cannot describe it. That’s the vertical dimension to life. To use religious language, it’s how we feel about God, the sacred, the reality before which we all stand.

But the horizontal dimension is much different. It’s how we live with others on this planet, especially other human beings. Will we treat them with respect…will we value their rights and freedoms…will we be concerned for their welfare as much as our own?

These are dangerous and divisive times. On every level possible, we need to be concerned about having friends and influencing others for good.

Erich Lindemann and his wife Elizabeth co-authored a landmark work on bereavement several decades ago.[3] In the book, they report on the lives of the survivors of the fire in Coconut Grove in Boston in 1943. It was a fire in which 129 people were killed. Those who survived many times were terribly burned; others lost their spouses, or best friends. It was a tough recovery period for all involved.

Here’s what the Lindemanns found. There were two kinds of survivors: those who recovered quickly, and those who recovered slowly or barely.

The only difference they could find between the two kinds of survivors was this:

Those who recovered quickly found strength and support, not from counseling or therapy, but from a community of friends and family who called on them, kept track of them, wrote them, and loved them back.

The others, those who lagged in recovery, had little, if any, emotional support, no friends to check on them, and help them keep their hopes us.

It’s an important lesson for us all. Let’s seek friends, let’s be friends, and let’s keep friends. Amen and blessed be.

[1] Presented on September 04, 2005 at All Faiths Unitarian Congregation, meeting in the Foulds Theater of the Alliance for the Arts, 10091 McGregor Boulevard, Ft. Myers, FL, by the Rev. Dr. Wayne Robinson, minister.

[2] Rae Andre, Positive Solitude: A Practical Program for Mastering Loneliness and Achieving Self-Fulfillment.

[3] Beyond Grief: Studies in Crisis Intervention.