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“Hassle days or Holidays: Making the Difference”

November 26, 2006

Dr. Amanda Evans

When I was considering a topic for this message, I remembered a children’s’ sermon I had done a few months ago on “my favorite things”. The intent was to convey that we all need to know what is important to us when life gets hard. To illustrate this for the children, I created a “favorite things toolkit”. In my toolkit, I put pictures of my girls, a picture of a sunset, a seashell, chocolate, and my broken watch. Many of you sent me e-mails about what you would put in your toolkit. Neither mine, nor yours, were things that were expensive or materialistic. That prompted me to propose to my family that this year for Christmas, we give to each other only gifts that we have made ourselves or our service in some way. They all agreed. Over the past month, we have come up with creative ways to share our love for each other. Last weekend, my brother built a deck for me that I have been wanting for 20 years. He took two days of his valuable time to make something that brings me pleasure. What a great gift!  My oldest daughter, Shannon, who now owns her own home, asked if I would make her an album of favorite recipes that I have made over the years my gift to her. I won’t share the others’ ideas, because that would spoil the surprise, but they are equally creative and caring. This time last year, everyone was wondering what to buy each other, trying to work within a budget, worrying about whether their gift was enough, etc. I get a completely different feeling this year. Just last night, my daughter Jessie came up with an excellent idea for her dad’s gift that he is sure to love. We are excited about our gifts. Yet initially, I was hesitant to propose the idea. It seemed so radical. That told me a lot about how I had come to view the holidays.

What is the “point” of the holidays?

When I became a Girl Scout leader for Mallory’s troop, I felt it was important to help the girls understand diversity in a variety of ways. Although none of us was Jewish, the girls were interested in learning about Hanukkah so every year we would use the meeting time that fell during Hanukkah to tell a story, or do an activity that would help us understand a holy day those who were Jewish in our country. One year, my co-leader and I brought an electric skillet, oil, and potatoes and helped the girls make latkes. I don’t know how much the children remember, but I learned a lot. The story of the Jacobeans, their struggles, the temple, and the miracle of the oil gave meaning to a tradition outside my own. However, a friend of mine, who is Jewish, told me that raising children in a country where Christmas over shadows everything was a challenge. Her children felt left out because they didn’t have a tree, lots of presents, and familiar songs played over and over on the radio. She said that because Hanukkah falls in December she felt pressured to make Hanukkah look like a “Jewish Christmas” for her children. I did some research on this and found that this is a common issue on Jewish websites.

When I think of some holidays past, I can remember times when the whole season came and went as a blur. I remember my ex-husband saying once “We’re hurtling into the holidays”. I remember shopping the night before Christmas at midnight at the Albertson’s and Toys R Us 10 miles south of my house after the children have gone to bed. I remember cleaning like a fiend before company came over. I remember wrapping gifts into the wee hours of the morning so they could be torn open just hours later. However, the fond memories I have are when I took the time to do the things I enjoyed most. I was raised as a Methodist and love Christmas. I really do. Even when we became Unitarian, we continued the traditions that we enjoyed about the Christian faith. When my girls were growing up, right up until they left home, we had a “baking day every year. We set aside the major part of a day to decorate sugar cookies in whatever way their creative spirits took them. Shannon’s were always very elegant with perfectly placed decorations on each one, Jessie’s were whimsical with some sort of twist, and Mallory’s were mixtures of colors and shapes. They all laughed when heads or arms of angels and gingerbread men fell off, complimented each other’s “art” and generally had a wonderful time with simple dough and colored sugar. Our tree was a big deal too. We would spend an hour at a tree lot picking out the “perfect” one. I was wacky about fear that they would break the delicate ornaments, so we began setting up a second tree that they could decorate any way they wanted. We would drive around town looking at decorated houses. Yearly, we attended the Christmas Eve candlelight service and afterward read the story of the birth of baby Jesus from the book of Luke by candlelight while drinking hot cocoa or eggnog. The Christmas story is a story of hope. Hope for a better life, free from oppression and a time of peace.

So the question I have is how did these two holidays loose their meaning for so many of us? My guess is that we forgot the root meaning of both. Recently, I came across a message by Rabbi Malka Drucker related to the meaning of Hanukkah that I like very much. Rabbi Drucker said that the miracle of Hanukkah is not just about a little bit of oil lasting eight days. It is about the inner healing light within each of us. Hanukkah is a time when we can celebrate this inner healing light as we move toward wellness. Hanukkah is also about the miracle of survival against all odds, about hope, courage, and belief in one's ability to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. This powerful symbol can be used for healing and wellness. In the Christmas story, though the messianic message is the underlying meaning, the promise of hope and peace for the world resonate loudly. Mallory has a new bumper sticker on her car that is a Gandhi quote. He says “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” Well said Gandhi. So this season, I propose to focus on the meaning of the holiday.  Here are some of my resolutions to really enjoy and take the best of the upcoming holiday season.

1.      Slow down. Research shows that death rates peak across the U.S. in December and January, regardless of climate, for both cardiac and non-cardiac causes. Holiday-time stress is one reason why. But if we allow ourselves to slow down, we can enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of the season regardless of our own religious background. Craig Heller recently loaned me a book entitled In Praise of Slowness by Carl Honoré that highlights our obsession with doing everything faster. Dr. Honoré asserts that our obsession with speed is a result of capitalism. We exist to serve the economy rather than the other way around. In preparation for this message, I did what all good researchers do – I searched the Internet for material.  However, the results were disappointing because in many ways, the sites I found just reinforced behaviors that contribute to holidays being hassle days. Many sites gave suggestions on how to get organized, buy early, delegate tasks, and to deal with stress. All good suggestions, but they were not what I was looking for. I wanted help on redefining what we do during the holidays, not how to do it more efficiently. I have found that the more efficient we learn to do things, the more things we pile on. Before the telephone, there was the telegraph. We could send bad news over much faster than using the post. Then came the infernal telephone. Then came the answering machine. Then pagers. Then cell phones. Then the cursed Blackberry. Therefore, now in the name of efficiency, we have not only strapped on our telephones, we carry our computer around with us all the time. We value speed. If you doubt it, ask anyone who recently moved here from the north. I’ve heard “people are so slow down here” my entire life and never as a compliment. Fast if good, slow is bad. We get caught up in it. So this season, I vow to:

 

o       Let others get in front of me in traffic.

o       Have compassion for the Grinches in line with us who are addicted to speed.

o       Stroll instead of stride

o       Reflect instead of respond, and

o       Inhale instead of hold my breath.

2. Strive for imperfection. The holidays offer opportunities to share your time and talents with others. However, if we feel that we must do, whatever we do, perfectly we are in trouble. We all know people who make themselves sick when they take on a project because they obsess over the need for it to be perfect. I have done it and my guess is that many of you have as well. Our brains tell us what the outcome of whatever we do should be. This season I vow to treat should as a bad word. There is no reality that tells me what my house should look like. Or what form my leisure time should take. Or what kind of holiday memory I should make. Or what the outcome of any project should be. I struggled even typing this message to wonder in what format it should be. I do that, as we all do, because we make guesses about how we should be perceived by others and how we should perceive the world. Will we measure up? However, we don’t go far enough to answer the question, “measure up to what”? To what others think we should be? But since there is no measure, there is no basis for what others think we should be either. Measuring up would depend on their “shoulds”. As a result, we can spend a whole lifetime trying to answer “shoulds”. I should. They should. You should. Life should. I’m telling you – should is a bad word. Letting go of shoulds, frees us to experience possibilities rather than be disappointed by expectations. Relationships are not predefined. Change doesn’t represent loss. The unknown doesn’t represent fear. If I can change my expectations, then I can experience the holidays as they are rather than what I think they should be.

3. “Most of the trouble we have in life we cause ourselves.” This is a quote of my mother’s and I use it often. I know as well as anyone that letting go of things is not easy to do. Learning to slow down and let go of our shoulds is as hard as changing any bad habit. It takes practice. But first we need to know what we want to change. To help decide how a holiday would look different than a hassle day, here are a few questions:

1. What best memories do you/I have about the holidays?
2. What was draining and stress producing?
3. Is there something about holiday time you would like to re-capture?

Knowing what we want to change is just a thought until it is put into action. What do you want your holiday to look and feel like? What favorite food do you want to have? What song do you want to sing? Whom do you want to see?

If we take on too many things, get rid of some. Go ahead. I promise the world will go right on turning. My mom also used to say, “If you resent it, don’t do it”. Resentment tells us we’re not getting our needs met. Now if you struggle with selfishness, then you have a different challenge. Learn to give of yourself. If we feel taken advantage of because we don’t know how to say “no”, then we have to learn to meet our needs before those of other. We need to give ourselves permission to use our time for things that are priorities in our lives not on the “should” list of others. This is your holiday and your life. Do what makes you happy.

4. Do what we say. The other day, I was coming out of Publix and was greeted by one of the most delightful seasonal sights I have ever seen. The ubiquitous bell ringers for the Salvation Army were there. But the ringers were ladies from the Red Hat Club dressed in the most flamboyant purple and red hats, feathers and pins that could be found in any closet. Good for them! They were having a great time and I had a great time watching them. I have relied on the services of the Salvation Army for over 25 years. They have helped me with some of my most difficult clients that most of society shuns and ignores. But the Salvation Army has had a past reputation of being a bit stuffy. How fun it was to see vibrant red and purple at that kettle! When I persons who are retired using their time as these women were, I know the world is a good place. I recently spoke with a woman, who is near 80 year of age, who shared that she sometimes feels “empty inside”. I asked her if she had considered volunteering for others, as she is active and her health is very good. She responded that she had considered it, but she had so much she wanted to do in her yard. How sad for her. If we feel empty inside, it is a warning sign that the world has become about us. We are disappointed by life. Life is not giving us what we need.  But life doesn’t give us anything. We have to go get it.

In closing, frequently I hear stories about the work that so many of you do in your “free time” and marvel. What an example you set for others! You feed the homeless, you care for persons with AIDS, you advocate for prisoners, you fight social injustice, and you hold your elected officials accountable for their actions. You walk the walk. For you this holiday season, I wish you the joy of Handel’s Messiah with your eyes closed, the taste of a fresh baked cookie, the sweet smell of pine, and the touch of the hand of someone who cares about you. May you make this holiday season one of possibilities. Amen and amen.