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JULY 20 SERVICE
PRESENTATION – BEING HEARD WHEN IT MATTERS
by Kay Riegle
INTRO:
Before I begin, I
need you to know that as I was beginning my preparation for this a
couple of weeks ago, I realized I’d agreed to do a session on
assertiveness for a roomful of Unitarians!!! We are some of the most
assertive people I know of. So what in the world would I have to say?
The more I thought
about it, though, it occurred to me that while we are great at being
assertive when it comes to the disadvantaged, the disenfranchised, the
poor, the homeless……..when it comes to relationships with those close to
us: family, friends – our loved ones, we face the same difficulties as
do other mortals on the planet. We have the same misunderstandings,
entanglements, and issues that they have.
So it is with that
in mind that I put together these thoughts.
Our July services
are focused on relationships, and relationships are based primarily on
how we communicate with one another. Communication has 2 sides…hearing
the OTHER PERSON’S thoughts, views etc., and sharing OUR thoughts, views
etc.
Two weeks ago, Joyce
gave an insightful presentation on listening. This week I plan to focus
on the other half of communication: being heard – or assertion. So how
do we assure we are heard when it matters?
PREVIEW:
Today I’ll spend a
bit of time on some definitions…
*on WHAT assertive
behavior is,
*on WHY this skill is
important, (benefits)
*on the concept of
rights – which helps us understand WHEN it’s appropriate to assert,
*and on a few
pointers on HOW to be effective in asserting our ideas.
DEFINITIONS:
Let’s start with
some definitions:
Passivity,
non-assertiveness is allowing others to treat our time, needs, safety,
wants, talk-time, property, ideas etc., in any way they want, without
regard for our preferences.
Aggressiveness is
speaking and acting as if ones own time, needs, safety, wants,
talk-time, property, ideas etc. are of sole importance, without regard
to how this affect others.
Assertiveness is
treating my own rights (per above) as valuable AND the rights of others
as equally valuable.
These terms can
refer to specific behaviors/responses….or to one’s general default
style.
Let’s say you have a
neighbor with an annoying barking dog. Actually, let’s say I do, since
it’s true. This irritating little creature barks at me…runs into my
yard when I’m gardening, growls and jumps toward me. It is not only
distracting, it’s scary.
If I act
non-assertively…I go in the house and wait ‘til the dog has retreated
If I act aggressively
(and believe me this is tempting) I scream at either the dog or the
owner. I suppose taking the dog over to the east coast might also be
considered aggressive.
If I choose to act
assertively, I call the owner and explain the problem and ask for their
help.
Clear on the
definitions?
WHY ASSERTIVE
BEHAVIOR IS SO IMPORTANT
Now let’s look at
why we might want to adopt an assertive response or style. What are the
benefits?
1) Increases the
chances our needs will be met…no guarantee…but considerably better odds
(vs n/a or ag)
2) Increases self
respect….when we respond to the inner voice we have, we remind ourselves
that we are important enough to matter. That who we are and our
preferences matter.
3) Increases our
respect FROM others. (How many of you know someone you might silently
label a doormat?) (How do you feel about them?)
…. If we have the
willingness to speak our views, to draw some boundaries about how we
need to be treated, OTHERS will see we are worth it!
4) Reminds us that
we are in charge of ourselves……..that we have the right and
responsibility to make decisions which affect us, to take care of
ourselves, to realize the rest of the world is a wonderful resource
for us…but - as the kids say - not the boss of us.
5) Helps others know
who we are, therefore getting our talents better utilized, our
preferences acknowledged…and it increases the chances of being
delighted. If someone knows I like dancing, they might plan to surprise
me with an evening of dancing after dinner! Because she knew a bit
about who I am, a friend of mine actually gave me a replica of a little
bud vase which was on the table in an old Ginger Rogers/ Fred Astaire
film. I was delighted!
6) Helps break down
stereotypes. If people don’t know me, they will likely assume I’m like
every other white female in my age and socio-economic group; they are
missing a lot of who I am ( that I love home-remodeling) …and adding
some things I’m not (mistakenly thinking that I might enjoy gourmet
cooking…or any cooking for that matter).
7) Increases OUR
awareness of who we are. As we increase our willingness to say what’s
important to us, we gain greater self-insight. Sometimes I don’t always
know what I want or believe until I hear myself saying it. This opens
the door to greater self understanding and, subsequently, to having more
to offer in relationships with others.
8)
And finally, it models healthy
behavior for others. Others feel OK about stating their preferences if
they see and hear us doing it. And children can learn effective AND
respectful communication if they see it modeled.
So these 8 items are reasons for us to
consider taking an assertive approach. But……..
WHEN IS IT
APPROPRIATE TO ASSERT OURSELVES?
So how do we know
when it is O.K. to assert our views….to asserts who we are?
It’s tempting to
think …”whenever I feel like it“or “whenever it’s important” or maybe
“whenever it won’t rock the boat too much”
The problem here is
that whenever I feel like it - might be sticking my nose into someone
else’s business. Or not rocking the boat - might allow someone who’s
driving us somewhere – recklessly – to drive us right into an accident.
So, when DO we speak up? This COULD be a muddy area.
There IS, however, a
way to gain some clarity about this…and it relates to the list in your
program: the list of BASIC RIGHTS. In the many books and articles
written about assertion over the years, most authors include a list
similar to this one. (Has anyone in here seen lists of this sort
before?) They help us identify when we have the right to speak up about
something.
For anyone with a
vision impairment, I’ll read these rights:
(READ
THEM ALOUD) [These are attached at the end of this document]
We all have these
basic rights…so let’s look at them this way: Let’s imagine a large
circle around each of us…and it is filled with these – and probably some
other - rights.
And all of these
circles are touching other circles. Sort of like a bunch of closely
held balloons.
1) If we each act in
such a way as to assure our rights are acknowledged, each balloon is
about the same size as the others. If, however, I insist you always do
something MY way, my balloon bulges into yours a bit. It REALLY bulges
into yours if I take something of yours without asking. I’m infringing
on your rights!!! I’m acting AGGRESSIVELY.
Or, if someone treats
you with disrespect, their balloon takes space from yours. Or if
someone talks over you in meetings, they’re infringing on your right to
be heard. Or if someone is frequently judging you or your actions, they
are infringing on your right to be the judge of your own behavior.
Or if someone else
always decides what you both will do, your right to make decisions for
yourself is being ignored. THESE WOULD BE TIMES TO SPEAK UP…if you do,
you’re acting ASSERTIVELY. If you don’t, you’re acting NON-ASSERTIVELY.
2) Next, let’s look
at the role of favors. One of our rights is to ask for what we want,
i.e. to go to this movie, to have some quiet time alone, to get a
restaurant to prepare something a certain way.
What if someone else
EXERCISES THIS RIGHT and asks us to take a couple of hours of our time
to take them somewhere? What if they ask to borrow our new car?
These last two are
examples of someone ASKING to reach into our circles…asking for a favor.
They have the right to ask. And, depending on how we feel about it,
or on whether it is a problem for us…… we have the right to say yes or
no…and an explanation isn’t required.
BUT, here starts an
uncomfortable inner dialogue. “I really don’t have the time or desire to
do this, but this is a friend and I don’t want to look like a jerk!”
RIGHT? I’m feeling that if I say no, I’ll feel guilty since these
aren’t huge requests, but I so badly don’t want anyone to drive my new
car!!! Or I so badly don’t want to mess up my day to drive him to South
Naples and back. These might be times to speak up.
3) Third, there are
situations in which we might have been letting someone into our circle
over time…never saying: “Hey, it’s my turn to decide which movie we
see” or “No, I’m not comfortable with you frequently stopping by at
dinner time” or “When you call me that name, I feel put down” Since
we have let it go on for a while, sometimes the other person thinks it
is in THEIR circle…it’s their right to do this and it’s OK to
continue…and that WE are pushy or aggressive for bringing it up. Not
true.
4)
And finally, there are those
situations which have less to do with rights and more to do with sharing
some of who we are, sharing our views, asking questions, making
requests, meeting someone new. In a discussion, if we are always the
good listener (using that valuable skill which Joyce talked about 2
weeks ago) but not an active sharer…others don’t learn who we are. And
we remind that small voice inside that IT isn’t as important as someone
else’s voice. We don’t get heard or seen for who we are. We don’t add
our light to the world.
They and we miss the
opportunity to begin the intriguing process of building a real
relationship… one which goes beneath the surface…of both parties. And
that, according to the poll we took back in the spring, is something
which was of great interest to the All Faiths family.
So it is in these
situations:
When someone steps
into our circle…treads on our rights…or
When we aren’t
comfortable with a favor someone has requested…or
When we want someone
to stop a long-standing infringement in our circle…or
When we opt to be
seen and heard for who we are
…… that it makes
sense to say something. (REPEAT)
If we do nothing…we
are acting in a non-assertive or passive manner…the doormat I mentioned
earlier.
If we do say
something, how do we do it without going over the top and being
aggressive?
Let’s remember our
definitions again: non assertive….assertive…..aggressive….
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So far, we’ve talked
about WHAT assertion is,
about WHY it is
useful and necessary to rich relationships,
and about WHEN it is
appropriate. Let’s now look at….
HOW TO SAY IT
ASSERTIVELY
Classes in assertion
usual take a couple of days, and making assertion part of your life
skills can take months and years. However, even though time is limited,
let’s look at a couple of basics…a few things we can do now to increase
our chances of being heard. Of treating both ourselves and others with
respect.
1)
First, make your statement as SAFE and hearable as possible for
the other person. When we make a statement about what we prefer, an
idea that we have, a right we wish to claim or reclaim…we know that the
other party might not be thrilled with this. So phrase the comment
carefully; make it as safe as possible for them to hear it.
2)
One way to do this is with a simple “I” statement….not a ‘you’
statement. Such as “I would prefer to go to this restaurant” instead of
“Why do you think you always get to choose where we go to eat. That’s
really selfish!” The “I” statement is especially good for one-time or
fairly simple situations. It makes it safe to hear.
3)
If the situation is sticky…perhaps an ongoing incursion into your
circle…there is a 3 part statement which is useful: Part 1
describes, in non-judgmental terms, the behavior which concerns you.
Part 2 describes your feelings. Part 3 describes the impact this has on
you…not on them. “When you’re not ready when I get to your house,
I feel upset and anxious, because I can’t get to my job on time”
4)
Assume that they WILL push back on you …and here you can use some
of the wonderful listening skills…especially paraphrasing…which Joyce
described in her presentation. Show them you understand their
objection. Don’t get hooked by it. Then reassert.
5)
It’s important not to express anger or hostility either verbally
or nonverbally as this will undermine your credibility.
6)
And finally, if your assertion isn’t so much about rights as it
is about getting known, you might begin by sharing something interesting
or unique about yourself.
At a dinner party at
my dad’s last spring the conversation turned to our earliest memories.
This gave each person, including myself a chance to share a little of
what childhood was like. And because each person was willing to assert
a little of who they are, we all had a memorable experience and got to
know each other so much better.
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So now we have talked
about what assertive behavior is, about why it is so helpful, about
when it’s useful, and a bit about how to do it.
As I conclude, I
wanted to find some sort of spiritual link to this business of how we
relate to each other. And about the best I can do here is to say
that…when I’m assertive and share a bit of who I am…my spirits are
lifted. It is my wish that when you choose to assert who you are, that
your spirits will be lifted too.
AND I HOPE THAT, AS YOU FIND A WAY TO BE HEARD
WHEN IT MATTERS, YOU CONTINUE TO CREATE AND PRESERVE EVEN STRONGER
CONNECTIONS…BOTH WITHIN OUR WONDERFUL ALL FAITHS FAMILY AND IN ALL YOUR
OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.
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